it feels pointless to tell anybody how i'm suffering, always has tbh. i'd like to [eventually, given the energy] synthesize all sorts of misery i've experienced into something *useful* to others, but i have no idea how to solicit or accept "social support" at this point, i don't really understand how/if it works. like why would i want to make people worry about me if there's nothing they can do, i'd rather just engage a distraction, i don't have the energy/health to cry anyway given a shoulder
it is my sincerest hope that one of the treatments i'm on will kick in properly before long, unclamp my fkn lungs so my heart can stop slamming, and none of my present terrors will matter any more and i can do something positive with myself like i've been trying to for years. i hope i'm just being impatient
if i'm gonna say this much i at least owe you the detail. i was diagnosed with pulmonary arterial hypertension (precapillary) with a 38mmHg mPAP at rest. there is a small hope it was secondary to severe vitamin C & D deficiencies i am repleting right now; sparing that potential miracle, idiopathic PAH is otherwise incurable and management would be lifelong. i am tolerating the tadalafil pretty well
for some good news, i should also mention a follow-up MRI showed i did not actually have a stroke
i had what's called a reversible splenial lesion, which is an MRI-visible effect in the white matter of the brain that typically follows metabolic and immune stressors and resolves with the underlying condition. funnily enough, after 5+ years in ketosis my body is adjusted enough for a total cholesterol of only 200 now. glad i refused the clopidogrel and atorvastatin, and maybe i'll get off the aspirin before long
if you haven't heard my stories, basically my one guarantee in life has always been that whatever it is i'm dealing with, shit goes as hard as i can possibly handle 24/7/365 for no damn reason, a dozen different ways at once; i have never experienced boredom because i absolutely cannot have normal problems
like i've always looked down on my own endurance and experiences but in retrospect it's always been totally batshit. you ever tell people what's really been up and they give you that look? 😳
i'm thinking once i'm strong &stable enough again to get resting heart rates down consistently into the 70s-80s, i can safely drop the beta blocker, metoprolol, which has been giving me insane unbearable serial nightmares all night every night for the last two months -- glad that wasn't some kind of permanent stroke-curse like I feared at first. this whole rollercoaster also got me stuck on xanax again so i get to go thru quitting that stuff too -- without CBD this time due to interactions