Bobby Brown @bobbyd0g@hellsite.net

[CW: discussion of torture and genocide] https://youtu.be/dxIic9xeg7o?si=FEtq3XKkzJFhRmOQ

"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? … Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?"

"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by its edges and shake the wicked out of it?"

quickest way to piss me off is to insist that everything happens for a "reason". absolutely not. everything is fucking pointless. things just happen, then lead to the next things. nobody ultimately deserves anything. "men make their own history, but they do not make it as they please;" nor is it guided by some convenient god humans have the audacity to claim they know. the tradition of cosmic purpose weighs like a nightmare on the minds of the living. fuck "mystery". accept mere occlusion.

Twitch doing preroll ads on a raid is so dirty jeez

If there's anything I wish you could learn from my experience, it must be to flee people who keep hurting you. Drop your commitments, cut your losses, and run.

if you haven't heard my stories, basically my one guarantee in life has always been that whatever it is i'm dealing with, shit goes as hard as i can possibly handle 24/7/365 for no damn reason, a dozen different ways at once; i have never experienced boredom because i absolutely cannot have normal problems

like i've always looked down on my own endurance and experiences but in retrospect it's always been totally batshit. you ever tell people what's really been up and they give you that look? 😳

i'm thinking once i'm strong &stable enough again to get resting heart rates down consistently into the 70s-80s, i can safely drop the beta blocker, metoprolol, which has been giving me insane unbearable serial nightmares all night every night for the last two months -- glad that wasn't some kind of permanent stroke-curse like I feared at first. this whole rollercoaster also got me stuck on xanax again so i get to go thru quitting that stuff too -- without CBD this time due to interactions

i had what's called a reversible splenial lesion, which is an MRI-visible effect in the white matter of the brain that typically follows metabolic and immune stressors and resolves with the underlying condition. funnily enough, after 5+ years in ketosis my body is adjusted enough for a total cholesterol of only 200 now. glad i refused the clopidogrel and atorvastatin, and maybe i'll get off the aspirin before long

if i'm gonna say this much i at least owe you the detail. i was diagnosed with pulmonary arterial hypertension (precapillary) with a 38mmHg mPAP at rest. there is a small hope it was secondary to severe vitamin C & D deficiencies i am repleting right now; sparing that potential miracle, idiopathic PAH is otherwise incurable and management would be lifelong. i am tolerating the tadalafil pretty well

for some good news, i should also mention a follow-up MRI showed i did not actually have a stroke

I have been so impressed with this YouTube channel I have to share with you. No ads, all critical analysis. I started with his critique of Graeber/Wengrow's "The Dawn Of Everything" but I'll lead with the most contentious subject possible: https://youtu.be/3D4l_l1MedQ

it is my sincerest hope that one of the treatments i'm on will kick in properly before long, unclamp my fkn lungs so my heart can stop slamming, and none of my present terrors will matter any more and i can do something positive with myself like i've been trying to for years. i hope i'm just being impatient

it feels pointless to tell anybody how i'm suffering, always has tbh. i'd like to [eventually, given the energy] synthesize all sorts of misery i've experienced into something *useful* to others, but i have no idea how to solicit or accept "social support" at this point, i don't really understand how/if it works. like why would i want to make people worry about me if there's nothing they can do, i'd rather just engage a distraction, i don't have the energy/health to cry anyway given a shoulder

Happy new year, friends, I hope 2024 means something genuinely new and worthwhile for all of us.